


Colours of your soul

by 1800getstuffed



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Boys Kissing, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Cuddling & Snuggling, M/M, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Songfic, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:35:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28107132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1800getstuffed/pseuds/1800getstuffed
Summary: Bucky has a night terror but protective Steve Rogers is there.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 9





	Colours of your soul

Colours of your soul  
The paintbrush bristles flatten and skew out in every direction as I bang it against a glass of water roughly. When I took the brush out of the glass, I turned my nose up at what had become of my favourite art supply; white bristles had become dark brown and encrusted with dried paint that I had never been able to wash off for some reason. Not to mention, the fact that most of the bristles were now missing and I was pretty much painting with a few single hairs. 

It was nearing 1 am and the rain hitting our tin roof had gone from a slight pitter-patter to what sounded like the gushing of a tidal wave yet I kept on, refusing to go to bed until my painting was finished. The canvas was close to life-size and it was almost threatening in a way. I swirled pigments together on the chipped painting palate, feverishly attempting to perfectly replicate the colours of his eyes and failing to do so. His eyes were abundant with emotions and experiences and trauma scattered here and there. When the light changed, as did their colour, from charcoal to a golden hue. It was mesmerising. 

I add rainbow strands to his chestnut hair, that reached just past his shoulders now. I took a step back to admire my work. It was complete yet it didn’t feel like it, as though something was missing. It was beautiful still, in a way that I knew would make Buck’s cheeks redden and eyes turn away shyly, avoiding my gaze. He would love it even if he was too shy to admit it.  
As I reach forward to add some more red to the face, a guttural, gut-wrenching scream awoke in the night.

It was Bucky, at least I hoped it was, if not that meant someone else was in the house. Wait. Was that why he was screaming in the first place? Had someone broken in?  
I didn’t think, I simply just ran down the hall to our bedroom. This was my fault. I shouldn’t have stayed up so late on this stupid painting.  
If I had gone to bed with him, I could’ve protected him if someone broke in. As I inched towards the bedroom door, thoughts of ‘stupid’ and ‘should have known’ streamed through my mind like an open current.

Hush now, mo stóirín close your eyes and sleep. Waltzing the waves, diving in the deep…

I flung the door open and stopped dead in my tracks at what the cold, dark room revealed. He was alone, pressed up against the wall and staring at something at the opposite side of the room with a look of horror on his face. Buck’s hair was matted with sweat, thinner strands were stuck to his forehead and those that were thicker were sprawled out in every direction like my paintbrush had been earlier, as though he’d been electrocuted.

Stars are shining bright, the wind is on the rise, whispering words of long-lost lullaby…

I looked at the wall that Bucky was staring so intently at, unable to find what was so frightening. The wall was completely bare after all. I took a few steps closer to his petrified form and the sound of my footsteps took him out of his trance. He looked up at me but didn’t, instead it seemed like he was looking through my body like he couldn’t see me at all yet knew that someone was there.  
Creeping closer, I noticed that his eyes seemed to shine a different shade but perhaps it was my mind playing tricks on me or the way in which the light fell. 

Oh, won’t you come with me? Where the moon is made of gold. And in the morning sun, we’ll be sailing…

Buck began mumbling to himself, words inaudible, as he looked around the room frantically. I copied him, unable to identify what he was scared of. Taking a step closer, I was now a metre away from him. The words he was spewing out sounded gargled, strewn together with gasps and heaving breath.

Oh, won’t you come with me? Where the ocean meets the sky. And as the clouds roll by, we’ll sing the song of the sea... 

He turned back to the wall; hands trailed over it as though he was trying to find a way out. When this failed, he began to shoulder barge the wall. I immediately went to stop him, grabbing his shoulders, pulling him away from the wall, not allowing him to hurt himself any further. His metal arm looked ominous as it shone in the light.

I had a dream last night…

His pale hands swatted at me as he crawled away, mumbling again as he did so. 

‘Buck!’ I shouted. He turned towards me but only slightly, staring past me as though someone else was in the room.

And heard the sweetest sound…

It was then that I realised he was still asleep. Physically awake yet mentally still asleep and currently having a night terror.  
My heart thumped and its pounding was audible in my ears as I panicked, not knowing how I was supposed to wake him up without him thinking I was trying to hurt him.

I saw a great white light...

‘Buck? Buck!’ I said over and over, hoping he would recognise my voice as something familiar and safe.  
He seemed to calm down at that and I sighed in relief that it was starting to work. He let out a whisper, one that I would have missed if I hadn’t been injected with that super serum.

And dancers in the round…

‘Stevie?’ he breathed into the night air.

I went to him instantly as he looked up at me with a broken expression, arms outstretched and head thrown back against the wall in agony. I knelt down in front of him, quickly scooping him into my arms in reassuring embrace. My heart shattered as Buck began to cry into my shoulder, tears staining small spots on my pyjama shirt.

I sat back, pulling him closer to me and stroked his hair as I whispered sweet nothings in his ear. My hands ran over his back in a soothing motion, the one I knew always calmed him, and I winced as I felt the numerous bumps and scratches sprouting on his shoulder blades. 

Castles in the sand, cradles in the sea…

I cursed myself as I realised that he’d probably been hurting himself far worse before I made it to the bedroom. My heart stung in disappointment of my actions as though I were judging a mission gone wrong, thoughts of everything I should have done better clouding my mind.

Bucky sniffled as a full-body shiver coursed through him, causing him to tremble and sob quietly. His eyes were still glazed over and they switched every which direction, surveying the room in fear. I shushed him softly, standing up in a slow motion and scooped him up in my arms before placing him down on the bed tenderly.

Don’t cry, I’ll see you by and by…

I made sure to place at least three pillows under his head before resting Bucky back against them, soft hair falling around his face and framing his features. Bending down over the side of the bed, I tucked him in from all edges, cocooning him in a way of restoring the warmth to his frozen bones.

Oh, won't you come with me. Where the moon is made of gold…

I stood back to admire my work; sound little baby wrapped up in a ball of blankets like an assassin burrito. I stepped back into our shared bathroom.

‘Wait, Steve!’ Bucky called. ‘Don’t leave!’

I chuckled softly. ‘I’m not, Buck, I’m just grabbing you something to help with the pain’.

Pulling open a drawer, I took out a pack of aspirin and a wash cloth which I wet slightly under the sink as well as a cup of water.

When I was done, I sat back down on the bed next to him, reaching over to hand him the pills and water when I noticed he’d already fallen back asleep.

And in the morning sun, we’ll be sailing…

I smiled softly as I fiddled with the bedside lamp, switching it to a dim yet still softly-glowing setting, knowing that the pure abyssal darkness of having no light sometimes scared Bucky. Pulling the covers back slightly, I slipped in and laid down alongside him.

Oh, won't you come with me. Where the ocean meets the sky. And as the clouds roll by. We'll sing the song of the sea…

We remained in that position for a mere five seconds before Buck rolled over and snuggled up against my side, tucking his head underneath mine, hair tickling my chin.  
My skin prickled and I felt slightly heated. The feeling reminded me of when Buck and I first started dating back in the forties. In those days, Bucky was far more direct with what he wanted, essentially pulling the chains in our relationship, the one in control who would always take care of me.

Rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling…

It seemed that nowadays the tables had turned and our roles had switched. I had to be honest, I kind of preferred it this way. I mean, I would take any excuse to hold Bucky in my arms and pet him like the adorable little baby that he was any day. Especially, since he was always so shy when it came to intimacy. His cheeks practically reddened to the point where they could rival Christmas baubles when I “accidentally” brushed up against him in the kitchen the other day.

Oh, won't you come with me. Where the moon is made of gold

I grinned to myself, pulling him impossibly closer to me until he was completely on top of me. Our legs intertwined slightly and my heart pumped happily as I heard him squeal softly in contentment.

And in the morning sun, we’ll be sailing free…

Staring up at the ceiling, I prayed silently that by morning come, he would have no memory of what he’d seen in his night terror. My eyes stung ever so briefly as I chanted pleas and prayers in my mind. Please. Please. Please. For the love of God. Please. Keep him safe.

Oh, won’t you come with me, where the ocean meets the sky. And as the clouds roll by, we’ll sing the song of the sea…

Craning my head to peer back down at him, I watched him sleep, small ghosts of air puffing from his lips as his chest rose and fell. I wrapped my arms around him tighter and held onto him as though for dear life, awaiting what would come by morning’s light.

Grá go deo…

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if the lyrics were wrong, I was going off of memory lmao


End file.
